Going back to work...

Just thinking about this brings so many emotions up. I feel so torn... between trying to take care of the little ones - being a good mommy to you two and keeping up with everything else too.

This entry is really going to be more of a personal blog or some sort of an outlet for me to get my feelings and frustrations out.

My official return to work is March 30th, however I tried to go back a week early because of some training classes that my group is taking. I don't want to miss out on these, especially since they are being offered during "work hours" and an exact copy of a class being offered at UCSD Extension, because lets be honest I doubt I will have any time to take any classes outside work in the next year or two with 2 little ones at home, and I am always wanting to learn new things.

I must say this Monday was a super hard day. I got really sick over the weekend, and didn't even go into work untill after 11:00pm. Lada - our nanny that we had for Sascha started that morning. I had to run through everything with her, just to make sure she knew the ins and outs. I am so thankful we have her to look after Cameron now. I feel so comfortable with her and she is really great, and of course that puts me more at ease. Then I had called the doctor to try and get some antibiotics for myself because I was pretty sure my awful cold has turned into a sinus infection and I barely got any sleep for 2 nights now. I finally got into work, only to start figuring out where to pump, and how to get a key to the Mommy room. I work with some wonderful people, and my coworker Cindy pretty much took care of both of those things for me in a matter of 20 minutes. I came home at almost 6pm, exhausted! Luckily my sister and Aaron picked up Sascha from preschool and were all just waiting home for me with Cameron. I missed them terribly, they were all I could think about during the day. I was even frustrated sitting at a traffic light because I couldn't get home soon enough. I know first days are always tough, and I expected it since I've done this before, but it was even harder than I thought it would be.

Cameron didn't eat too well while I was gone, he slept a lot (probably due to me taking Benadryl the night before). Tuesday and Wednesday he wanted to eat every 2:30 - 3 hours, I couldn't produce fast enough, so had to supplement with some of my back up supply.

Wednesday I was getting ready to head back to work for another class on Thursday. I have mentally prepared myself to go in early and try to be more positive about being back. Monday was stressful and everything seemed really rushed, so I was hoping to forget about it and start my day fresh. I even told myself to put my bitterness aside, which I still have bottled up because my managers boss did not approve for me to have a 4 day a week schedule. I am not even going into details on that, but I was extremely upset and disappointed when I got the news a few weeks ago. Being there for 10 years now, my whole family practically works there, I've never asked for a single thing. This was a big deal to ask for, but it's so important to me to have that extra day with my kids, I was really counting on it because my manager seemed very supportive of it. Well I decided we'll figure out another option, I will use up all my PTO for it, and Jeromey and I will take turns at taking every other Friday off, we'll make it work. So as I was gearing up for work that night, I got a crazy allergic reaction! I've never experienced anything like it. Without going into too much detail, I had hives all over my body which itched like crazy, and a puffy red face. I looked like a train reck... I was seriously scared to look in the mirror without freaking out. I took 2 benadryl pills which was the oncall dr's recommendation, and it helped get the hives gone, but I was out of commission for Thursday. I am still dealing with it, but it's getting better. I had to stop taking the antibiotic that was prescribed for my sinus infection because it's most likely a reaction to it. For a little while I thought may be I am "allergic to work"... is this some sort of sign? haha Could this be caused by the anxiety and stress I have about returning to work? The whole time I am just thankful that it's not the kids who are sick, and just me.

I wish I had all the answers.

How do I manage to be there for my babies when they need me? I want to spend more time with them, then I am at work. I want to go on little get aways with my hubby with just the two of us. I want to be at work, and give 100% but lets face it, this is nearly impossible. How do I achieve this perfect balance in my life? I want to keep up with this blog because I love looking back and reading about what we did a year ago, and I want to remember these events that we quickly forget because they usually get replaced with other fun and exciting ones. They grow up so fast, and this is my electronic baby book for them. I want to keep up with my digital scrap booking I started and really love! I want to take more pictures, more video! I want to take another photography class, and a Photoshop class! The list goes on...

I am sure these are the things that all working moms deal with... I know I am not alone. I know for us it would be very difficult to sustain our house on just one salary, and I do NOT want to stop working completely, I enjoy what I do most of the time :), I can't really picture myself doing anything else, I just want to find this perfect balance where I still get to go to Sea World, the Zoo or do art projects with my kids, while teaching them the importance of hard work, and going to college and being successful.

Hard work comes from both being a stay at home Mommy or one going to work, so I hope they get to grow up and learn these qualities and be wonderful human beings.

I guess it's just an internal struggle, I want to be the best mom I know how to be, and I think I am, it's just hard not to second guess yourself. I love them dearly, and that's probably why I have such a hard time letting go of some things or feeling like I am lacking at something because there is just not enough time in the day to really do it all.

Dear Sascha and Cameron, I hope you know that mommy loves you to pieces (Daddy too of course!) and we just want the best for you!

Lets hope I make it through the next few weeks without anymore sicknesses of mine or yours, and get more or less in the new routine of being back at work. I am sure it's all just a matter of time before I and you both get used to the new schedule.

4 Months

So after your exciting roll overs, you haven't really done many since. Your new things is rolling on your side from being on your back. After doing it multiple times I find you completely turned around 180 degrees from the initial place I put you down.

You did well with your shots at the doctors. You didn't like the taste of the one they put in your mouth, and the other two shots also weren't a fan, but once I picked you up you calmed down and by the time we were back in the car you were asleep. I wasn't sure if we should get your shots since once again you caught Sascha's little cold. The symptoms are a bit worse this time around. Your nose is super stuffed up and it makes you cough. Not fun! You are not eating as well either... but hopefully you are on the mend.

Stats:

Length: 25.5 inches - 66%

Weight: 14 lbs - 25%

Head: 16 inches - 10%

Funny but Sascha was also exactly 14 lbs, but at her 6 month appointment. Looks like you are about 2 months ahead.

You did something cute on the way back from the doctors appointment. While driving, I hear this buzzing noise and I look back and see that you got a hold of the little froggy toy that's hanging off the carrier arm, and have been pulling it down. You pull it down, it gathers back up, you pull it down, and it goes right up. You must have kept doing it at least a dozen times and it's the first time you reached up and actually grabbed something completely on your own. I've been putting things in your hands and you hold on to that, but this was totally you.

Here are some latest photos of my handsome little boy.

You just love sucking on your hands & thumbs

All smiles

Sitting up in a chair... looking serious

Rolling Over

A few days before turning 4 months old, you started to consistently roll over. Seems like it's much easier for you to roll on a softer surface like the crib mattress. On the floor you've only done it a few times. Good job little guy, we are already so proud of your accomplishments.

Another thing you started doing this week is little sit ups in your bouncer or swing. It's like you're trying to sit up already. So cute... and drooly when you're sitting. I sure hope you're not getting any teeth just yet. I love your huge toothless grin. Sascha has been making you smile a lot lately, and sometimes you will even giggle. She loves to make you smile and get a reaction when she is around you. Also I've discovered that you may be a bit ticklish under your arm pits... it's so funny trying to tickle you and watch you squirm and squeal. Too cute! I need to make a new video soon. I am afraid when I start work I will be struggling to find the time to do this sort of thing on a regular basis.

Here is a little video I added!

A Snowy Afternoon

We've been planning to go to Lake Arrowhead for the weekend with our friends -the Roberts Family, however things like bad weather and kids sicknesses have been preventing us from going. We ended up going to Mount Laguna for an afternoon to see if we can find some snow there to play in and we were in luck. The crazy part of this is when we left our house it was already 70+ degrees. When we reached Lakeside, it was 80 and I remember thinking I bet we are in for a disappointment and there will be no snow. Luckily that wasn't the case, and it snowed so much a few weekends in a row that they still had plenty once we got up to a higher elevation. Only in San Diego... you leave the 80 degree warmth and go play in the snow. It was exceptionally warm even once we hit the snowy parts, around 62 degrees.

Cameron's first time in the snow was a big hit, except for when I tried to go down the slide with him. He was snug in the Ergo carrier, but didn't like the bumpy ride so he started crying, I guess it wasn't such a good idea to sled with him after all.

Sascha was a bit apprehensive about the snow at first, also you didn't love getting stuck in it, and that happened a lot, but then as usual, you had a really great time. You went sledding a few times, and threw snowballs at daddy, Sebastian and Ethan, and towards the end you enjoyed eating the snow as well. The kids had a great time sledding and throwing snowballs around. Then we had a very tasty dinner at Marichiaros Italian restaurant which is one of daddy's favorites from his childhood days. We followed it up by going to Vanessa & David's house to play games which is always a good time. Once it was time to leave, you of course refused to go, I think you had way too much fun with the boys.

Fun family day

I just love her curls!

Sweet baby Cameron loves being held

Sebastian and Sascha love hanging out together

3 Years and 3 Months

Sometimes it's hard to believe that I have 2 kids. Wasn't I just a kid not too long ago?

Now one is 3 Years old and another 3 Months old.

3 Month old - Cameron:
Another month flew by. You're growing like a little weed! Not sure how much you weigh. I think you are around 13 and a half pounds. You are definitely starting to be more alert. You smile, coo, and sometimes even giggle out loud now. I have seen you roll over once a few weeks ago, but you haven't done it again... wonder if that was just an accidental roll.

Also you have found both of your hands, and they are constantly in your mouth, especially the thumbs. Pacifier is still in use, however, I almost think you prefer the hands. They're just not always available since I swaddle you. You seem to have a knack for busting out of the swaddlers, so at night I've been swaddling you in the Miracle Blanket, which used to be Sascha's. It has pink trim around it...hopefully you won't mind :)

Unfortunately you recently got your first cold. Sascha has been coughing for over a week now, and finally you caught a similar bug but on a slightly smaller scale. Your little nose gets all stuffed up and you have a hard time breathing through it, which makes you cough, especially when you are nursing. At least there were no fevers involved for either one of you and you are still sleeping through the night...such a little trooper.

What does bother you, is when I squirt Ocean saline drops into your nostrils and then try to use the suction bulb to help loosen things up. You start screaming. Apparently you're not a fan of the suction bulb... I can't blame you, I don't think I would be a fan either.

I still cannot believe how calm of a baby you are. I can take you anywhere. We do little yoga baby classes and you are the quietest baby there, just smiling and hanging out. We've taken you to dinner a bunch of times, and we hardly even need to take you out of the car seat. If you fuss, you are perfectly content when you get your pacifier. If you're tired I give you the pacifier and rock you in the car seat and within a few minutes you fuss yourself to sleep. Aaaah... how did I get so lucky to have 2 perfect little babies! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

A little valentines day bundle of joy

3 Years & 2 Months old - Sascha:
Things you love at the moment are doing somersaults, dancing, singing, playing with play-doh, your princesses (Snow white seems to be the favorite at the moment), your stuffed animals, small toys like these little frogs that you obsess over.

One of the funniest things that you do lately is to declare to us "I would like my privacy" when we help you go potty. As soon as you get situated and look up from settling comfortably on the potty, you let it be known that you like to left alone to handle your business, and you attempt to push us out of the bathroom and close the door. While it is adorable, it is also such a clear reminder of how quickly you are becoming a big girl. We are almost certain that you will soon be requesting your independence in the many other things that we currently help you with.

We celebrated Valentines day and I made a special card with Sascha in it for her preschool and one of Cameron with the same sign. Sascha is holding up a stick which I punched a hole in to stick a lollipop into, so it turned out super cute. Everyone at preschool really loved it!

You do not like taking naps, but most of the days I do get you to take one. Usually I have to threaten the policeman to come get you before you will finally give in and lay down. I have explained to you that a policeman is actually a good guy, and that he protects us from the bad guys. I have also explained that he takes away children who are being bad... you of course believe me and don't want him to come get you, so eventually you settle down and go to sleep. Sometimes it takes you over an hour to do that. I then have to wake you up, since I don't want you sleeping too late, because when you sleep past 5pm, you won't settle down for bedtime at night until about 10pm which is also no good. Pretty soon I think you'll be dropping that nap.

A few times I've told you that it's ok if you don't go to sleep and just have quiet time in your room with books. You brought a ton of books in your bed and pretended to read, it was very cute. After an hour or so I came in and we read a few of them together and you insisted on sitting on my lap.

You've been refusing to go potty and then waiting till the last second and of course then you have lots of accidents. When you do go potty at home, you ask us to close the door and say "I need my privacy!" When did you get this big. At the same time, you ask to be fed at dinner!? Go figure!

We painted your finger nails and your toe nails for the first time! You were so excited, and now you show your hands to everyone! Although, when any of the paint on your fingernails starts to slightly come off, it is a really big concern. Little simple things like this really do make it so fun having a girl!

The bedtime routine has always been a bit of a challenge, but it is still a wonderfully precious time that we spend with you, even if you tend to give us a hard time. Luckily, you seem to be completely comfortable with brushing your teeth and flossing. It is just part of the routine, and you actually look forward to making big swishes and spits with the water.

Lately Daddy and you have started to choreograph little dances to the song that happens to be playing on the ipod when you are getting dressed in your pj's. It is so adorable, and something that I keep telling myself that we need to video. Mostly you do cute little spins, gyrations, spirit fingers, leg lifts, and moonwalks to the music. You are surprisingly close to the beat most of the time.

I think your favorite songs for the dances are "Shake Your Body Down to the Ground" by Michael Jackson and "Walking on the Moon" by the Police. You try to copy what Daddy does and you always have such a big smile and enthusiasm to show me "your new dance moves." I love to have a front row seat to every performance and really hope that you keep this habit up.

We just love this age, and sometimes wish we could just slow it down, and keep you from growing up so fast. We know this is not possible, but it really makes you think about doing everything you can as a parent to savor and enjoy each and every moment.

This was the card I made for your preschool class.

Thanks for my friend Vanessa who helped put the text on the photo. I so need to get my hands on Photoshop and take a class! Hopefully soon!!! Everyone loved the card, I even got a thank you card commenting on how adorable Sascha's valentine was from one of the moms in her class. So sweet! This definitely wasn't my idea, I wish I was this creative. It was a friend of ours Elisa who we met going to the 4S library. She has a daughter Sascha's age, and a son who was born just 10 days after Cameron and an older daughter. She's super sweet and creative and I am so happy she shared this with me.

Tuesdays & Thursdays

These happen to be the best and the busiest days of our week. It's when Sascha is home from preschool and we have a day full of fun things planed. Tuesdays we started a new dance class at Danceology in 4S Ranch. It's a combo class, half ballet, half tap and you love it. You were so excited to put on your tap shoes for the first time. Then we either go to a playground, or My Kids Playhouse or Kidding Around which is an indoor playground. Also we have 3 classes planned at JW Tumbles which is a fun little gymnastics place. Then we usually go home to eat lunch, nap, wake up and play for a few more hours until daddy comes home! Thursday we have a Play & Learn hour at the library which you really enjoy. Before that we usually go to the playground as well. It's been a lot of fun spending this time together. I keep thinking ... I am so lucky to be on maternity leave! :) Although 3 months have already flown by, and I only have 2 months left, I am determined to make the best of it. I am sure we'll be going to Sea World a few times, and we also have tickets to the Aquarium, Science center and the Children's museum, all to be used in the next few months.
Unfortunately I've been pretty terrible at bringing the camera with me places, it's just too big to carry around, and between 2 kids, diaper bag, kid carrier or stroller, lunch bag, I just can't keep track of yet another thing... so I need to be better at taking pictures when we go places... I have a little while to correct that :)

Sascha has been such a little character lately. She is super stubborn, neither one of us knows where she gets that quality! There are times when she is a sweet angel, and says "ok mommy" to everything I ask her to do, and of course there are times when I am pulling my hair out trying to get her to listen and follow directions. She will look right at us, and do the opposite. Is this a 3 year old thing? I don't know, but it can be pretty frustrating for daddy and I. Half the time we find ourselves negotiating with you. If you don't eat this, then you won't get this, or if you don't come here right now, we throw this toy in the trash... so that's how it seems to go. Your eating habits have stayed the same. The latest you refuse to eat is pizza! What kind of kid doesn't eat pizza? I have no idea! Lets hope Cameron is a better eater than you, and you can soon follow his lead.


Playing your favorite game of Jenga with Baba & Deda