This entry is really going to be more of a personal blog or some sort of an outlet for me to get my feelings and frustrations out.
My official return to work is March 30th, however I tried to go back a week early because of some training classes that my group is taking. I don't want to miss out on these, especially since they are being offered during "work hours" and an exact copy of a class being offered at UCSD Extension, because lets be honest I doubt I will have any time to take any classes outside work in the next year or two with 2 little ones at home, and I am always wanting to learn new things.
I must say this Monday was a super hard day. I got really sick over the weekend, and didn't even go into work untill after 11:00pm. Lada - our nanny that we had for Sascha started that morning. I had to run through everything with her, just to make sure she knew the ins and outs. I am so thankful we have her to look after Cameron now. I feel so comfortable with her and she is really great, and of course that puts me more at ease. Then I had called the doctor to try and get some antibiotics for myself because I was pretty sure my awful cold has turned into a sinus infection and I barely got any sleep for 2 nights now. I finally got into work, only to start figuring out where to pump, and how to get a key to the Mommy room. I work with some wonderful people, and my coworker Cindy pretty much took care of both of those things for me in a matter of 20 minutes. I came home at almost 6pm, exhausted! Luckily my sister and Aaron picked up Sascha from preschool and were all just waiting home for me with Cameron. I missed them terribly, they were all I could think about during the day. I was even frustrated sitting at a traffic light because I couldn't get home soon enough. I know first days are always tough, and I expected it since I've done this before, but it was even harder than I thought it would be.
Cameron didn't eat too well while I was gone, he slept a lot (probably due to me taking Benadryl the night before). Tuesday and Wednesday he wanted to eat every 2:30 - 3 hours, I couldn't produce fast enough, so had to supplement with some of my back up supply.
Wednesday I was getting ready to head back to work for another class on Thursday. I have mentally prepared myself to go in early and try to be more positive about being back. Monday was stressful and everything seemed really rushed, so I was hoping to forget about it and start my day fresh. I even told myself to put my bitterness aside, which I still have bottled up because my managers boss did not approve for me to have a 4 day a week schedule. I am not even going into details on that, but I was extremely upset and disappointed when I got the news a few weeks ago. Being there for 10 years now, my whole family practically works there, I've never asked for a single thing. This was a big deal to ask for, but it's so important to me to have that extra day with my kids, I was really counting on it because my manager seemed very supportive of it. Well I decided we'll figure out another option, I will use up all my PTO for it, and Jeromey and I will take turns at taking every other Friday off, we'll make it work. So as I was gearing up for work that night, I got a crazy allergic reaction! I've never experienced anything like it. Without going into too much detail, I had hives all over my body which itched like crazy, and a puffy red face. I looked like a train reck... I was seriously scared to look in the mirror without freaking out. I took 2 benadryl pills which was the oncall dr's recommendation, and it helped get the hives gone, but I was out of commission for Thursday. I am still dealing with it, but it's getting better. I had to stop taking the antibiotic that was prescribed for my sinus infection because it's most likely a reaction to it. For a little while I thought may be I am "allergic to work"... is this some sort of sign? haha Could this be caused by the anxiety and stress I have about returning to work? The whole time I am just thankful that it's not the kids who are sick, and just me.
I wish I had all the answers.
How do I manage to be there for my babies when they need me? I want to spend more time with them, then I am at work. I want to go on little get aways with my hubby with just the two of us. I want to be at work, and give 100% but lets face it, this is nearly impossible. How do I achieve this perfect balance in my life? I want to keep up with this blog because I love looking back and reading about what we did a year ago, and I want to remember these events that we quickly forget because they usually get replaced with other fun and exciting ones. They grow up so fast, and this is my electronic baby book for them. I want to keep up with my digital scrap booking I started and really love! I want to take more pictures, more video! I want to take another photography class, and a Photoshop class! The list goes on...
I am sure these are the things that all working moms deal with... I know I am not alone. I know for us it would be very difficult to sustain our house on just one salary, and I do NOT want to stop working completely, I enjoy what I do most of the time :), I can't really picture myself doing anything else, I just want to find this perfect balance where I still get to go to Sea World, the Zoo or do art projects with my kids, while teaching them the importance of hard work, and going to college and being successful.
Hard work comes from both being a stay at home Mommy or one going to work, so I hope they get to grow up and learn these qualities and be wonderful human beings.
I guess it's just an internal struggle, I want to be the best mom I know how to be, and I think I am, it's just hard not to second guess yourself. I love them dearly, and that's probably why I have such a hard time letting go of some things or feeling like I am lacking at something because there is just not enough time in the day to really do it all.
Dear Sascha and Cameron, I hope you know that mommy loves you to pieces (Daddy too of course!) and we just want the best for you!
Lets hope I make it through the next few weeks without anymore sicknesses of mine or yours, and get more or less in the new routine of being back at work. I am sure it's all just a matter of time before I and you both get used to the new schedule.
